Still, I would gladly have reverted to blogging and trying to figure out how to increase the passage of traffic through this website. After all, I must have made about a dozen entries in the last week and still no comments…at the site! Ok, so I am stressing and loosing focus!
Back to the earlier question and the fairly longish title. This entry is not a rant. It is a discussion about how people ask difficult, often very perplexing questions, specifically people from whom you have become (very) distant and who you have not seen in awhile. As a result, it seeks to open up of a space for critiquing the elasticized boundaries of intimacy which often occasions our new configurations of ‘friendship’ currently.
As a matter of fact, let me frank in making my position clear – I also ask these annoying questions, at times. However, I try only asking them of people with whom I am fairly close and who I think will appreciate the value of my reasons for asking after their welfare. Whenever this happens, I tell myself that I am very much prepared to engage in, if necessary, a long and soulful conversation about navigating the pitfalls as well as the joys of choosing to live within the borders of our urban jungles which we call home, et cetera.
In that regard, the reference above to ‘difficult questions’ is aimed, not so much at suggesting an inability to answer the question, as posed, more like a preference not to. Why? Such questions are often, without a context, very off-putting if not altogether intrusive. They presume a level of intimacy which often conflicts with the reality of the relationship established between you and your current interlocutor. Take the one in today’s title, for instance. It is never welcomed, especially when you are trying to chill out at the Jamaica Pegasus, while enjoying the sights and sounds of ‘Emanci-pendence’ (Emancipation and Independence all rolled into one! see earlier post!) celebrations.
Implicit in such questions is a competitive comparison intended to evaluate the worth of your life into tablet sized inflexions of time. Reductionist and usually offensive in their presumptuousness, they are often super inquisitive. Such questions deny the texture and complexity of an otherwise untamed and riotous existence lived full out on the edge. They overlook all dimensions to see instead a flattened out surface meant to be consumed within milliseconds of time.
Forget the beauty of a life lived in Technicolor and Dolby Stereo. Forget sincerity, even! Your responses must be instantly formatted to conform to a few five seconds sound bytes related mostly to your personal advancements but especially your professional credentials, ‘since we last saw each other’!
Then, there are the even more vapid and vacuous attempts to commiserate by said perpetrators; that is, if you choose not to answer directly or not at all, as the case might be. In those instances, you cannot roll your eyes and sigh long-sufferingly. That might even seem disrespectful. Instead, you are required to play along and sound almost as if in tacit agreement with the implied eulogizing of your presumed ‘failed existence’.
There are also those even bigger moments which bring together people you have not seen in quite awhile, for various reasons. Though slightly different, in some ways, these are often intended to give little more than a detailed account of your movements and accomplishments in the course of the last whichever number of years! They usually circulate round dinner tables, coffee bars, et cetera. Marriage, children, lovers, (additional) degrees, jobs, cars and houses and not, necessarily, in that order become the hallmarks of this kind of conversation…
And, that is only the beginning! Here, you smile politely and stuff as much food into your mouth as possible hoping to dodge these vulgar displays of ‘accomplishments’ so conveniently entered into, presumably, in the interests of ‘information sharing’ – an update, as it were, on where we are now! (Developing a drinking habit, or running off to the bathroom never to return, don’t seem like such a bad idea now!)
Still, the meaningless exchanges of ‘critical information’ continue! Your turn is next! The next ‘life’ to be dissected under the probing microscope of ‘concerned peers’ in their near professional ‘empathy’ about your seeming inability to match strides with their over achieving quest to find out ‘what have you been up to, recently?’
I am, often, tempted to say, ‘Do you really want to know? Or, are you just asking because you think it is polite; that, by doing so, it shows your concern and compassion for my welfare?’ That, of course, would not do. So, you find whichever ‘polite’ way of ignoring the question, while simultaneously, smiling as understandingly as possible about the unwelcomed inquisition represented by your intrepid panel of interviewers…
(They probably mean well, though they somehow fail to see that questions like these, in a way, presume levels of familiarity, trust and regard that, in the intervening years, might have been completely eroded). In between the struggle to quell the rising tide of a sudden defensiveness, I am reminded of why I chose to make certain decisions and not others and try and relax before, smilingly, trying to search for the right words to deny this round of the intrusion! (I, genuinely, wished I had the magnanimity to ‘turn the other cheek’ so fervently preached in church!)
…I duck out of the Jamaica Pegasus and ensure I return long after the planned departure of my earlier inquisitor. In so doing, giving myself enough room (I hope!) to breathe and refocus on the critical ‘issues of life’, like breathing in the tepid air of the packed room. The anxious onlooker have all come for reasons very much like my own – to see and taste the creative Jamaican cuisine on their holiday evening out…
Having to figure out, how to tell people to piss off, politely, can be a real job of work!